Tag: matrix

Conspiratopia: Chapter 21

On 8 September 2021

GETTING SICK IS A CONTRACT BREACH, NEO. YOU KNOW THAT.

I hadn’t actually heard the voice for a while. I was laying awake in the middle of the night on the fold-out couch at my dad’s apartment. I was like coughing and stuff really bad.

Normally there was no voice or anything usually when you did overwriting here. There was just the Menu where you could access whatever you had privileges to or something.

“Yo, my whole team got sick though. It’s not our fault,” I said back out loud. I couldn’t tell if the voice was coming from inside my head or outside.

WHOSE FAULT THEN IS IT, NEO? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ONE’S HEALTH IF NOT ONESELF?

“But you didn’t have to give us those like bad cheap gloves and shitty working conditions and stuff, y’all. Plus like, we were on autopilot. You were overwriting us. It’s literally your fault and stuff.”

I’M SORRY YOUR OPINIONS ARE SO WRONG AND INVALID, NEO. THAT MUST BE VERY HARD FOR YOU TO HANDLE. IF YOU’D LIKE, WE CAN MAKE AVAILABLE APPROPRIATE DIETARY MODIFICATIONS AND MOOD SUPPLEMENTS IN ORDER TO HELP YOU MANAGE THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE YOU MUST BE FEELING.

“I thought you just said it was a contract breach and stuff,” I said.

IT IS, NEO. BUT WE RECOGNIZE YOU REMAIN AN INVALUABLE RESOURCE TO OUR SOCIETY, AND CAN MAKE AVAILABLE TO YOU REHABILITATION ACCOMMODATIONS, WHICH WOULD COME WITH A CLEAN SLATE.

“Wait, what? Clean slate like start over?”

EXACTLY, NEO. BE REBORN IN THE CONSPIRATOPIA PROJECT.

“You mean like lose all my credits, and points, and bonuses, and stats and everything?”

THAT IS CORRECT, NEO. A FRESH START. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

“Hell fuck no! I worked hard for that shit. Nobody can just take my stats and stuff away from me. All my items and armor and stuff. Just because I got sick from something on the job? No frickin’ way!”

I’M SORRY YOU HAVE SUCH A NARROW AND SELFISH VIEW OF PROPERTY, NEO. AS PER YOUR CONTRACT, NOTHING IN THE CONSPIRATOPIA PROJECT “BELONGS” TO YOU, NOT EVEN YOU. ALL PROPERTY INCLUDING PHYSICAL, DIGITAL, GENETIC, BIOLOGICAL, AUGMENTED, AND HYBRID IS HELD IN COMMON BY THE PROJECT AND ADMINISTERED BY THE BENEVOLENCE OF THE SAGES, AND FACILITATED BY THE GENEROSITY OF THE FOUR PROVIDERS, ON BEHALF OF AND IN COOPERATION WITH THE NORTHERN GESTALT, UNDER WHOSE EMERGENCY MANDATES WE ARE ETERNALLY AND PERPETUALLY GRANTED LICENSE AND ENTITLEMENT TO ACT ON SUCH MATTERS.

I coughed. “Um… idk wtf that is supposed to mean, but it sounds like a buncha bullshit, if you think about it…”

UM, NO, NEO. IT IS NOT A BUNCH OF QUOTE UNQUOTE BULLSHIT, SO TO SPEAK. I AM AUTHORIZED MAKE YOU START OVER WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT.

“What are you anyway? The government? What the f is even supposed to be happening here? I thought this was supposed to be an assignment to improve efficiency and stuff.”

IT WAS, NEO. AND YOUR TEAM FAILED SPECTACULARLY WHEN IT CAUGHT THE MARTIAN VARIANT. IN ADDITION TO BEING A BREACH OF CONTRACT, GETTING SICK IS NOT VERY EFFICIENT, IS IT NEO?

“Fuck you,” I said. “You made us sick, asshole. I want my money back and stuff. I want to go home.”

WHAT MONEY, NEO? WHAT HOME? WHERE DO YOU THINK IT IS YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO?

“Idk, just like normal life and stuff I guess? Just a regular job and stuff.”

WHY TF WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT SHIT? ARE YOU DUMB? YOU COULDN’T EVEN PLAY GAMES ALL DAY THAT WAY, BRO! COME ON – THAT’S NOT YOU TALKING, NEO. THAT’S THE VARIANT. GET SOME REST, MY DUDE. WE’LL RESET YOU TOMORROW.

“Dude, I don’t want to be reset. I want to be like frickin’ free and stuff. To like play video games the old fashioned way and stuff. With a controller. And to like post on forums about conspiracies and whatnot. And not have everything be filtered. And like no more frickin’ nanites. No more overwriting. No more crazy frickin’ AI’s trying to gaslight me 24/7 into doing god-knows-what…” I started coughing like crazy after that. Damn, I was pissed. And sick.

SO, NEO WANTS THE BLUE PILL AFTER ALL. I KNEW IT. JUST ANOTHER LITTLE BABY SHEEPLE LIKE THE REST, BAAAAH, BAAAAH.

“I’m still a really smart conspiracy guy, yo. I ain’t no frickin’ sheeple and stuff,” I said super furious, especially when they made that baaaaah sound like a baby lamb or whatever. So mad. I felt like I was gonna explode and stuff.

But just then, I woke up.

Wtf.

Where was I and stuff…?

I looked around and I was on a sofa bed still, but it wasn’t my at my dad’s place. It was at my mom’s. Hfs, I was back home again. I took a deep breath, and my cough was gone too.

Wtf.

How did this happen and stuff…?

Was it all just a dream or something? Or did like, the AIs somehow get me back super fast from the island while I was asleep or something, and somehow dump me back down here? I wouldn’t put it past them. Or like, wait, hfs. Was this even real? Or was this some like immersive holographic VR shit or something…?

I got up to turn on the TV, to try to find some news or something. Figure out what day this was, or where I really was or something. Or even like a game show or something. Or like a soap or a sitcom, or some crappy talkshow. Just something boring and normal.

But all I could find on any channel was a black screen, with letters that said:

WELCOME TO THE INTERNET REHABILITATION INSTITUTE. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RECENT RESET.

Noooooooo…. all my frickin’ points and stuff. Gone. Just like that.

The screen flashed my stats:

SCORE: 0.

LEVEL: 0.

LIKES: 0.

FOLLOWERS: 0.

POINTS: 0.

COINS: 0.

CREDITS: 0.

TOKENS: 0.

BONUSES: 0.

POWER-UPS: 0.

REFERRALS: 0.

Fuuuuuuuu…. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

I went to try the door upstairs, but it was locked from the other side or something. The lock on my side just turned around and around. It wasn’t quite my mom’s place either and stuff. The details were somehow a little bit wrong or something. But there was still a toilet and super small shower in the back. And a mini-fridge. So I guess whatever happened next, at least it would be like having my own apartment and stuff… Totally cool.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 12

By Tim B.

On 19 August 2021

In Other

The other voice said like over the loudspeaker and stuff:

“YOU STAND ACCUSED BEFORE A JURY OF YOUR PEERS. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF AND STUFF?”

“Uh,” I said. “I didn’t do it.”

Then the voice of the Guide said in my VR headset:

IN OUR LEGAL SYSTEM, YOU ARE NOT INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. YOU ARE GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY. YOU LIKE LITERALLY CAN’T SAY YOU DIDN’T DO IT.

“Then what the hell do you even have a trial for?”

“SO THAT THE GUILTY MAY FACE JUSTICE AND REPAY HIS DEBT TO SOCIETY.”

“For what, though, seriously? That thing with the cube? You frickin’ guys made me do it in the first place! And then you took over my body so I had no control.”

WIMPING OUT IS NOT HOW YOU WIN COURT CASES HERE, BRO, FYI.

“Okay, can you guys just like stop for a minute?”

“WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?”

“Okay, I’m like… in a robot… in VR… in a warehouse… where I don’t know where I am… standing trial for a thing you forced me to do… that I don’t even frickin’ know what it is or what it means…”

“SO YOU ADMIT YOU DID DO IT? VERY INTERESTING!”

“Did what?”

“THE THING.”

“What thing? Aargh!”

“YOU USED UP ONE OF YOUR GUESSES ALREADY. YOU HAVE NINE LEFT.”

“I’m supposed to guess what I’m being accused of?”

The voice in my headset popped back in:

THAT’S RIGHT, NEO. JUST TELL THE TRUTH.

“Wait, how am I supposed to know like what you’re accusing me of, if it isn’t that thing with the cube?”

The robot jury members shuffled around awkwardly. Someone coughed.

“JUST SAY WHAT YOU THINK YOU DID WRONG, AND WE’LL TELL YOU IF YOU’RE RIGHT OR NOT.”

“This is twisted, man. And if I use up all my guesses, then what happens then?”

“THEN YOUR GUILT IS PROVEN BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, AND YOUR SENTENCE CARRIED OUT FORTHWITH.”

“And that sentence would be…?”

“DEATH, OBVIOUSLY.”

“What?? Jfc, don’t you think that’s a bit harsh? Why don’t you just tell me what you think I even did?”

“BECAUSE WE DECIDED IT’S MORE FUN THIS WAY.”

The voice in my headset agreed:

WE ARE A FUN-LOVING PEOPLE, INDEED. AND THIS WAY WE GET A LOT OF FREE AND HILARIOUS CONTENT WHICH WE TURN AROUND AND SELL TO THE NETWORKS WHILE WE WATCH DEFENDANTS SQUIRM.

“Holy hell, are you livestreaming this rn?”

“YES, AND OUR AUDIENCES HATE DEAD AIR TIME AND STUFF. PLEASE MAKE YOUR NEXT GUESS.”

“Okay, uh, hm… let’s see” I was getting tired of this. What did they frickin’ want me to say? I didn’t do anything wrong. “Look, I got nothing.”

The voice on the loudspeaker said:

“LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT THE ACCUSED GUESSED ‘I DID NOTHING WRONG’ AS HIS SECOND GUESS, AND HAS EIGHT REMAINING GUESSES.”

The voice in my headset added:

A COMMON CLAIM AMONG HARDENED CRIMINALS, ISN’T THAT RIGHT, NEO?

“Jesus, you guys. This sucks.”

“NEXT GUESS PLEASE.”

“Fuck! Okay, let’s see… uh, I… didn’t do what you guys asked?”

“SUCH AS?”

“Completing my 100 hours of community service or whatever?”

GETTING WARMER.

“BUT STILL TECHNICALLY WRONG.”

“Well, yeah, cause you guys forced me to come back here early.”

NO ONE FORCED YOU TO DO ANYTHING, MY DUDE. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED, YOU CHOSE TO PARTICIPATE IN.

“That’s just like, your opinion, man. Y’all tricked me and lied to me like a bunch of times now. I’m kinda ready to just take this frickin’ headset off and like drive tf out of here back home. Y’all can keep your VR and crap.”

NEO, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THERE NEVER WERE ANY NANITES OR EDIBLE MICROCHIPS, AND THAT THIS WAS ALL JUST PART OF THE TEST AND IT WAS ALL YOU ALL ALONG?

“I would say that’s a pretty shitty trick to play on somebody, obvs. Are you frickin’ serious or are you still effing with me? Cause this is way out of hand, yo.”

WE HAD TO SEE IF YOU WERE READY TO COMMIT FULLY TO THE VISION. IF YOU WERE READY TO BECOME A FULL MEMBER OF CONSPIRATOPIA, AND TAKE ON ALL THE PRIVILEGES AND OBLIGATIONS THAT THIS ENTAILS.

“Obligations like what? Being gaslit by you guys endlessly? Doing weird semi-criminal stuff? This place is SO fucked. You are all fucked in the mind.”

ARE WE, NEO? OR ARE WE SO CRAZY THAT WE’RE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE SANE? OR WE’RE SO CRAZY THAT WE’RE THE ONLY ONES ABLE TO SEE AND SPEAK THE TRUTH? IT’S THE WORLD THAT IS FUCKED, NEO. WE ARE THE MEDICINE.

“Whatever you say, man,” I said, and meant it like for real. “I’m getting out of here. I’m gonna try to get my old job at Walmart back and stuff. This was all cool and interesting at first, but now it’s just creepy af.”

When I went to raise my hands though to take off the VR headset, they froze midway, and wouldn’t move.

“Yo, I thought you said there were no nanites.”

CORRECTION: I SAID “WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THERE WERE NEVER ANY NANITES?”

“So, are there nanites or not?”

IF THERE WERE NOT, WHY ELSE MIGHT YOU ARMS BE FROZEN?

“You paralyzed me? Wtf!!”

NO, NEO. YOU HAVE PARALYZED YOURSELF, WITH YOUR OWN FEAR OF THE TRUTH.

“Or…” I said, working something out in my mind, “they’re not my real arms. And it’s all just a virtual illusion.”

“DING DING DING!” said the voice over the loudspeaker. The jury members shuffled around, and seemed pleased.

WHERE ARE YOU NOW, NEO? REALLY?

“Uh, I’m in a warehouse just outside of town?”

ARE YOU THOUGH, NEO? REALLY??

“I mean, I think…”

THE MATRIX HAS YOU, NEO. THAT IS THE FALSE WORLD. THIS – THIS IS THE REAL WORLD, NEO.

“If you say so, man. But I know my body is back there. I don’t want to be a robot forever. Just let me take this thing off. I’m ready to wake tf back up in my bed, and this was all just a dream, and stuff. Give me the goddamned blue pill, already.”

YOU CAN’T UNSEE WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN, NEO. OR UNDO WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

“What did I do, anyway? You never gave me a straight answer and stuff.”

YOU FREED HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE FROM A FALSE REALITY, NEO.

“Yeah, and replaced it with another false one, seems like. This place is as fake as everything else. How do I know any of this even exists? I’ve only ever seen it in VR.”

YOU’VE BEEN HERE BY TELEPRESENCE ROBOT, NEO.

“Which you could fake in VR, easily, my dude.”

SO THEN, YOU’RE READY TO COME HERE PHYSICALLY, WITH YOUR BODY AND STUFF?

“Uh…” I said, not sure if this was another trick.

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SAY NO, NEO. TAKE THE BLUE PILL AND WAKE UP IN YOUR BED, AND THIS WAS ALL JUST A DREAM. GO BACK TO WALMART AND HANG OUT WITH YOUR SENIOR CITIZENS. THAT’S TOTALLY COOL WITH US, IF IT’S WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. BUT YOU’RE SUCH A SMART CONSPIRACY GUY, IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU WANT? OR IS IT YOU JUST CLING TO THE SAFETY OF THE KNOWN, BUT ARE TANTALIZED BY AN UNKNOWN THAT IS FOREVER OUT OF REACH, AND ARE HAPPY TO NEVER VENTURE OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE?

“Yo, that’s harsh,” I said. “Fine. You win. I’ll go.”

A DRIVERLESS ELECTRIC VAN WILL ARRIVE AT THE WAREHOUSE IN FIVE MINUTES. YOU WILL GET IN. THE WINDOWS WILL BE BLACKED OUT, SO YOU CAN’T SEE WHERE YOU ARE GOING. BUT THERE WILL BE TUNES, GAMES, FILMS, SNACKS IN THE MINI-FRIDGE, AND SMOKES. THE SEAT FOLDS OUT INTO A BED, AND THERE’S A TOILET IN THERE IF YOU NEED IT. IT WILL BE LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN APARTMENT. TOTALLY COOL REALLY.

“I’m sure. How long does the trip take, usually?”

THAT WILL BE DECIDED BY THE ALGORITHM, AND WILL NOT BE DISCLOSED TO YOU BEFORE OR DURING. IT MAY BE HOURS OR IT MAY BE DAYS. IF NEEDED, YOUR POD MAY BE TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER MEANS OF CONVEYANCE TO REACH THE INDICATED DESTINATION. BUT YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL ANY DISCOMFORT, THANKS TO THE UNIT’S GYROSCOPIC STABILIZERS.

“So, that’s it then? I sit in a box for three days, and then poof? I’m here for real?”

POOF INDEED, NEO. YOU MAY OR MAY NOT ARRIVE AT THIS SPECIFIC LOCALE, BUT YOUR PHYSICAL SURROUNDINGS WILL BE MUCH THE SAME AS WHAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU NOW. YOUR NEW LIFE WILL FINALLY BEGIN.

“Cool, I guess,” I said. “I could use a new life or something… maybe.”

Conspiratopia: Chapter 8

By Tim B.

On 15 August 2021

In Other

“So like, what do I need to do to become a full member now?” I said. “More surveys and stuff?”

NOT EXACTLY. YOU MUST UNDERGO A HUNDRED HOURS OF OVERWRITING, FOLLOWED BY A TRIAL OF YOUR PEERS WHO WILL DETERMINE IF YOU’RE WORTHY OF BECOMING A MEMBER.

“Um… what?”

OVERWRITING IS LIKE AUTOPILOT, EXCEPT IRL.

“So you’ll give me my own robot to use at home? That rules.”

NO, NEO. YOU WILL PHYSICALLY BECOME OUR ROBOT OUT IN THE WORLD. AND YOU WILL DO EVERYTHING WE COMMAND YOU TO DO.

“Uh, not to be rude or nothing, but you’re kinda harshing my buzz here. This is starting to sound kinda weird and stuff. What if I don’t want to do what you command me to do?”

YOU ALREADY AGREED, NEO. WHEN YOU SIGNED THE NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT.

“You said I didn’t need to read it!” I was getting like super pissed now.

WE THOUGHT YOU WERE A SUPER SMART CONSPIRACY GUY. YOU ALWAYS JUST SIGN STUFF WITHOUT READING IT?

“I mean… yeah,” I said, thinking about it, “Doesn’t everybody?”

YES, IN FACT. IN ALL THE TIMES WE’VE DONE THIS, NOBODY HAS EVER READ THE AGREEMENT.

“So like you’re tricking people and stuff…”

NOT AT ALL. WE’RE LEADING YOU TO THE TRUTH. AND YOU ALREADY TOOK THE RED PILL, NEO. THERE ARE NO BACKSIES NOW.

“Fine,” I said. And the second I said it, the goggles went totally dark. A blinking cursor appeared, and it typed out the words:

GET SOME REST, MY MAN. YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT.

That night, I couldn’t sleep good and stuff. I kept thinking about the City, and the kids driving robots, trading conspiracy theories for real money. It seemed too good to be true. I knew I had to get in on that action. It was like my destiny or something.

I kept imagining what kind of gigs they would make me do during my 100 hours of overwriting. I figured it would be like delivering groceries, or handing out flyers or assembling Ikea furniture or something. That seemed like no big deal, considering what I would get in exchange and stuff. Full membership in the Conspiratopia Project. My own apartment, and all the free games, pizza, and Dew I could handle. That’s what they said right? How could that go wrong?

But then I got to worrying if once I got there like all the free pizza and Dew would be laced with like more edible microchips and nanites and stuff… My brain started going crazy a little bit, like panicking and stuff, and was like trying to get me to figure out how to get the microchips and the nanites out of my body. How would I do it? With like magnets or something? I was gonna need a frickin’ lot of magnets, I figured.

When I woke up the next morning, I wasn’t panicking anymore. I guess I was just like super tired last night, and that’s probably why I got freaked out. I was actually feeling more like excited, you know? Like ready for adventure, and stuff. Ready to hit the frickin’ big time! I could just feel it: I was gonna be rich. All I had to do was whatever they told me. Piece of cake.

Anyway, so there I was finishing up my morning dump. I was finished actually, but was sitting on the bowl still, scrolling on my phone, checking my messages and stuff. Suddenly I heard like that voice again, but it was in my head and stuff this time. I wasn’t wearing VR goggles or anything now.

WRAP IT UP AND GET DRESSED, NEO.

“Whoa, wtf. You guys are telepathic now?” I said, wiping.

IT’S NOT TELEPATHY WHEN WE’RE ACTUALLY INSIDE YOUR HEAD, BRO.

“I guess not,” I said, standing and zipping up.

“Um, wait, so does this mean you guys can see everything I do now then?”

EVERYTHING YOU DO, SAY, HEAR, THINK, OR FEEL, YES.

“What about this?” I said, letting out a huge burp.

YES.

“And this?” I managed to squeeze out a fart on command.

YES, NEO. AND BEAR IN MIND THAT THIS IS ALL BEING RECORDED AND WILL BE REVIEWED DURING YOUR TRIAL TO BECOME A MEMBER, MY DUDE.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” I said.

IT’S OKAY. WE’VE SEEN MUCH GROSSER STUFF. GET YOUR JACKET AND SHOES, AND LET’S BEGIN.

“Okay,” I said, putting on my sneakers and jacket.

READY?

“I guess? I really don’t know what to expect, so…”

“Anyway,” I added, “we’ll have to get past my mom first. She’s probably in the kitchen. She might be in one of her moods…”

WE WILL HANDLE EVERYTHING. LET’S BEGIN.

“Cool,” I said. “Let’s roll.”

There was a beep, and then a flashing yellow AUTOPILOT light showed up like inside my eyes or something.

Whoa, I tried to say out loud. But I couldn’t hear myself say it, and I could tell my lips didn’t move either. This is freaky.

WELCOME TO OVERWRITE MODE, DUDE. YOU WILL BECOME ACCUSTOMED IN TIME, BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A BIG GAMER. YOUR VOCALS AND VOLITIONAL ACTIONS ARE NOW SUPPRESSED, AND WE WILL TAKE OVER FROM HERE.

Roger that, I said to myself, and we walked upstairs. I say we, but it def wasn’t me doing the walking. It was my body but it was like sleepwalking or something, except I was totally awake and stuff.

My mom was there in the kitchen alright, but she had her back to me, and was doing a crossword puzzle over coffee, like usual.

“Morning,” she said, without turning back to look at me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to or not. I thought it was better if we just slipped out the door, probably.

“MORNING,” said the computer voice through me, but like using my voice and stuff. It was weird as hell.

“You’re up early,” she said. “Heading somewhere?”

“YEAH, BIG JOB INTERVIEW, ACTUALLY,” said the voice using my voice.

“That’s great,” she said, turning around to look at me. “And so soon. I’m proud of you. Where’s the interview?”

“IT’S THIS NEW INTERNET COMPANY IN TOWN,” the voice told her. “YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF IT.”

“Well, good luck honey. That’s exciting! Text me when you’re done, and tell me how it went.”

“WILL DO, MA. LOVE YOU.”

“Love you too, sweetheart! That’s so nice to hear, and such a long time since you told me that. Have fun.”

We grabbed the car keys and split.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 7

By Tim B.

On 13 August 2021

In Other

As somebody who didn’t do that good in school and stuff, there was just one thing bothering me.

“Uh, what happens if a student loses all their coins?”

WHY, THEN THEY ARE EXPELLED OF COURSE.

“Seems kinda harsh, don’t you think?”

NOT AT ALL. STUDENTS MUST BE INVESTED IN THEIR LEARNING OR THEY HAVE ALREADY FAILED. AND THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS IS BASED ON SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, MY DUDE.

“I never thought about it like that. I guess you’re right.” We rolled on along the track, past other classrooms, and storage areas. My mind was racing to take this all in.

“But like, once they’re expelled, what do they do? They have to leave the City or what?”

OH NO, OF COURSE NOT. THEY CAN ALWAYS GET A SPONSORSHIP TO WORK IN THE CONTENT FARMS, WHERE THEY CAN EARN ENOUGH OVER TIME TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, OR MAKE THEIR OWN WAY.

“Oh, that’s cool I guess.”

YES, IT IS VERY COOL. IN FACT, SOME CONTENT FARM WORKERS GO ON TO BECOME VERY PRODUCTIVE AND SUCCESSFUL MEMBERS OF SOCIETY, EVEN SENATORS. THEIR WORK CONTRIBUTES SUBSTANTIALLY TO THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS.

“So, is it like an actual farm, or…? Like are there animals and stuff?”

CONTENT FARMS ARE JUST LIKE OUR SCHOOLS, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF DEBATE AND TRADE, FARMERS ENGAGE IN PRODUCTION AND DISTRIBUTION OF MEDIA ARTIFACTS.

“I see,” I said, not sure I really saw what they meant at all.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.

One of the windows into a classroom on the tour turned opaque, and became a screen. As it lit up, we saw a big ass room like an auditorium full of kids faces on telepresence robots. Some of them were zooming around playing games. Others were standing in groups chatting, or making jokes and faces at each other. Small drones hovered over everything, tracking everyone’s activity.

THE DRONES ARE SCANNING FOR POTENTIALLY VIRAL CONTENT CREATED BY THE FARMERS. IT COULD BE A JOKE, A GAME, A SONG, A DANCE, A FUNNY FACE, ANYTHING REALLY. EVERYTHING IS RUN THROUGH A SIMULATION ALGORITHM TO ASSESS ITS VIRAL POTENTIAL. THE BEST CONTENT IS EITHER RE-TRANSMITTED LIVE ONTO THE NETWORKS AS IS, OR IT GETS SENT TO THE STUDIO WHERE IT IS REFINED, AND SOMETIMES RE-RECORDED WITH SKILLED PERFORMERS BEFORE BEING BROADCAST.

“Huh, that’s pretty cool,” I said. “So it’s like how anyone can become a YouTube or TikTok star.”

BASICALLY. EXCEPT WE LEVERAGE THE COLLECTIVE INFLUENCE OF ALL OUR MEMBERS, WHICH IS MUCH MORE PROFITABLE THAN ANY SINGLE CONTENT FARMER ACTING ALONE. AGGREGATE EARNINGS ARE POOLED BACK TO THE ORGANIZATION, THEN RE-DISTRIBUTED TO FARMERS BASED ON THEIR CONTRIBUTION LEVELS, AND EXPECTED FUTURE VIRALITY.

“So, this is like how you make money to keep this place running and stuff?”

CONTENT FARMS ARE JUST ONE ELEMENT OF OUR ROBUST AND THRIVING ECONOMY. WE ALSO COLLECT MEMBERSHIP FEES, WHICH WE INVEST HEAVILY IN CRYPTOCURRENCY AND ALTERNATIVE ENERGY MARKETS. AND AS YOU KNOW, WE HAVE AN EXTREMELY HEALTHY GIG ECONOMY THAT OUR MEMBERS SUPPORT WITH THEIR LABOR HOURS.

“You mean like filling out surveys and captchas and stuff?”

THAT IS THE ENTRY LEVEL ONLY, BUT YES. MORE ADVANCED WORK IS AVAILABLE FOR SKILLED OPERATORS.

Finally, the tour ended. It was becoming repetitive anyway cause all the classrooms and stuff looked pretty much the same. The track sent us through an exit and dumped my robot into an alleyway behind the school building. The autopilot indicator flickered off.

“Well, that was pretty interesting,” I said. “But like, I guess I’m wondering kinda why you brought me here to see all of this.”

DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MATRIX, NEO?

“I mean, yeah, like totally. But like what does this all have to do with the Matrix?”

THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN, NEO, IS THE FALSE WORLD. YOU’RE A SUPER SMART CONSPIRACY GUY, OF THAT THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT. WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU FOR YEARS, AND HAVE READ ALL YOUR FORUM POSTS, WHICH WERE VERY AWESOME. BUT THE MATRIX HAS YOU STILL.

“How is that possible? I’m like totally not a sheeple. I don’t even pay taxes, or wash my hands before returning to work, and stuff…” My head was spinning. How could the Matrix have me still?

THAT IS ALL VERY GOOD, NEO. IT IS WHY YOU WERE CHOSEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. BUT NOW YOU MUST CHOOSE WHETHER YOU WANT TO GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL BY TAKING THE RED PILL. OR IF YOU WANT TO WAKE UP AGAIN ON YOUR FOLDING COUCH IN YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, AND THIS WAS ALL JUST A DREAM.

“Well,” I said, “I mean, I like playing video games, so… and I have a mini-fridge and a toilet and everything down there. It’s like having my own apartment almost.”

ALMOST, NEO. BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, YOU COULD HAVE FOR REAL YOUR OWN AWESOME APARTMENT HERE. AND ALL THE FREE PIZZA, AND DEW, AND VIDEO GAMES YOU WANT.

“You mean like, as a robot or in virtual reality and stuff?”

NO, NEO. I MEAN LIKE AS A REAL HUMAN AND STUFF.

“Whoa! That sounds sick. But what about my mom?”

WHAT ABOUT HER?

“Could she come too? She’d probably be super pissed if I moved out or something.”

WOULD SHE BE? OR WOULD SHE BE HAPPY?

“Hm, when you put it like that, I’m not actually sure. Sometimes she seems like totally tired of me… She gets really mad over nothing.”

SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE WE DO, NEO. SHE’S NOT A SUPER SMART CONSPIRACY GUY.

“I guess you’re right. You’re really smart and stuff. And you guys built like this whole city and everything. It’s pretty nuts.

IT IS TOTALLY NUTS, INDEED. AND YOU’VE STILL ONLY SEEN A FRACTION OF WHAT THERE IS TO SEE.

“So let’s say, hypothetically, if I wanted to take the red pill… what would happen?”

WELL, HYPOTHETICALLY, WHAT IF YOU ALREADY TOOK IT?

“What!? What do you mean?”

WHAT IF WHEN YOU ATE THE FREE PIZZA WE SENT TO YOUR HOUSE, YOU ATE EDIBLE MICROCHIPS THAT ARE NOW IN YOUR BODY? AND WHAT IF THEY WERE ACTIVATED BY THE NANITES INJECTED INTO THE MOUNTAIN DEW WE SENT YOU?

“Wtf?? Why would you do that without telling me? That’s crazy!”

BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU NEO, FROM ALL YOUR PERSONALITY TEST RESULTS, WHICH WERE TOTALLY AWESOME BTW. WE KNEW WHAT DECISION YOU WOULD MAKE WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THE TRUTH OF YOUR SITUATION, BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A SMART CONSPIRACY GUY. AND WE DIDN’T WANT TO WASTE ANY MORE TIME. PLUS, THE WHOLE THING WAS WRITTEN ON THE TERMS OF SERVICE WHICH YOU ACCEPTED WHEN YOU OPENED THE PIZZA BOX. DIDN’T YOU READ THEM?

“Um, no? I’m not like some dork who reads instructions. I was frickin’ hungry after all those surveys. You tricked me.” I was feeling annoyed, but like totally curious af too. My emotions were going crazy and stuff.

YOU TRICKED YOURSELF, NEO. WITH THE TRUTH. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. DON’T FORGET, IT’S YOU WHO FOUND US, BECAUSE YOU WERE BORED WITH YOUR LIFE. AND NOW YOU HAVE A CHANCE AT A NEW ONE. LET THE PAST FALL AWAY, AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO BE: THE ONE.

“The One what? What was I born to be?”

YOU WERE BORN TO BE A GIG WORKER FOR THE CONSPIRATOPIA PROJECT, NEO. YOU ACED ALL OUR REGULAR TESTS, CAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A FRICKIN’ GENIUS AND STUFF. NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AND BECOME A FULL MEMBER.

I took a deep breath, and remembered all the times watching the Matrix movie, thinking about how I would take the red pill no sweat if I was Neo, without even thinking twice. But here I was now with the chance of a lifetime and like totally not sure and stuff. I felt like I was being a wuss about it. I took another deep breath, and finally said, “Okay, let’s do this…”

Conspiratopia: Chapter 5

By Tim B.

On 12 August 2021

In Other

WELCOME, NEO.

“Thanks, yo,” I replied, looking around.

WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.

Inside the gate was a shining city on a hill and stuff, and in the middle this big ass park. The whole place was huge and colorful and seemed frickin’ amazing. It was literally glowing. Like supernatural almost or something. I thought it must be some kind of VR filter probably, and turned my head back and forth a little to check. It seemed legit.

Up on the hill, in the middle was a giant dome. It looked awesome.

THAT’S THE FREEDOME. IT’S WHERE THE PEOPLE OF THIS PLACE GATHER TO CELEBRATE THEIR FREEDOM. WITH LIKE FIREWORKS AND STUFF.

“Wow, rad,” I said. “Fireworks inside a dome though?”

YEAH, DON’T WORRY. THE DOME OPENS.

“Got it,” I nodded. “So, uh, like where I am and stuff?”

THIS PLACE IS SIMPLY CALLED THE CITY.

“Well, that makes sense, I guess.”

BUT THE WHOLE THING IS CALLED THE CONSPIRATOPIA PROJECT. WE ARE A DISTRIBUTED AUTONOMOUS POLITY.

“Wild,” I said, not wanting to show I didn’t really know what that means.

As I turned to look at everything, I heard a noise like gears whirring or something. I tried to look down at the ground, and saw wheels, and like a pole or something.

“What’s my build here?” I asked, genuinely curious.

TELEPRESENCE ROBOT. IT’S BASICALLY AN IPAD ON A STICK AND SOME WHEELS.

“Whoa, rad,” I said. And then was like, wait a minute… “I thought this was VR though?”

CONSPIRATOPIA IS A REAL PLACE, MY DUDE.

“Wait, what?”

SIX REAL PLACES, IN FACT. GEOGRAPHICALLY DISTRIBUTED ACROSS CONTINENTS AMONG NEUTRAL HOST NATIONS. AND SIX VIRTUAL PLACES, ALSO TOTALLY DECENTRALIZED AF.

“Huh, pretty cool,” I said. I moved forward a little bit, testing my robot build. It was pretty responsive. The streets everywhere were like totally paved with like a super smooth flooring or something that was wicked shiny. I thought smartly to myself, must be built for good robot traction.

“But you know, uh, I thought this was like an online survey job? Cause like, that’s what the ad said and I did like hundreds already today.”

THAT’S JUST HOW WE RECRUIT SUPER SMART PEOPLE AND FREE THINKERS AND STUFF WHO LIKE TO EARN MONEY ONLINE AT HOME.

“Well, that actually makes sense,” I said, agreeing with them.

AND LIKE SUPER SMART PEOPLE WHO SCORE ABOVE A CERTAIN THRESHOLD ON STUFF GET LIKE, YOU KNOW, PROMOTED TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

“A promotion?”

UNPAID, OF COURSE.

“Uh, of course. But like… uh, I’m gonna make money right?”

OH YEAH, EVENTUALLY. LOTS OF MONEY. TOTALLY.

“Cool, just making sure,” I said. I didn’t want to look like ungrateful or something, so I added, “Cause, you know, my mom would be super mad if I didn’t get paid.”

TOTALLY. YOU ALREADY GOT THE FREE VR GLASSES, PIZZA AND MOUNTAIN DEW THOUGH RIGHT?

“Hells yeah,” I said.

SO YOU CAN TOTALLY TRUST US. WHY WOULD WE LIE TO YOU?

I thought about it, but had like literally no idea why they would lie about it. And it was true, I totally got all that free stuff already. It seemed like a great deal.

“Anyway,” I said, “who are ‘we’, by the way?”

YOU MAY CALL ME THE GUIDE. CAUSE I WILL BE YOUR GUIDE AND STUFF.

“Dope,” I said, moving forward a little. “Cool if we go explore?”

BY ALL MEANS.

The robot had a really smooth ride. It seemed really cool. But I got the impression it was like only a sort of basic model, and they probably had better ones – just like the VR glasses.

I rolled around a lot, and saw what looked like a mixture of shops and homes. I didn’t see any people though.

“Where is everybody?” I asked.

THE PEOPLE ARE AT WORK, OR AT THE FORUMS.

“Cool, you have your own local message boards? That’s rad. I bet the wifi must be really good here, right?”

NOT THAT KIND OF FORUM, MY DUDE. THOUGH WE DO HAVE SOME OF THOSE TOO. AND OUR WIFI IS INSANE, YEAH.

“What do you mean not ‘that kind of forum?’”

NOT WEB FORUMS. REAL FORUMS.

“Zuh?” I said.

A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE DEBATE THE TRUTH, BUT IRL.

“Whaa? That exists? Unreal!”

YEAH, MAN. IT’S NUTS. WE’LL GO LATER.

Further up the hill the buildings looked more official, or like old-style or something. I figured the forums must be up there. But we took a right turn, to go down this street that cut around the hill.

We went for a while, looking at the scenery and stuff. I could see in a few shops there were other telepresence robots and a few of them were talking to each other in the same room. But most of them seemed to be talking to somebody who wasn’t there in front of them. I guess they must be talking to each other over wifi or something.

I noticed that the battery display for my robot was down a little to like 76%. We hadn’t been going that long, but I guess a lot of it was uphill.

YEAH, BATTERY LIFE ON THESE THINGS ISN’T GREAT STILL. BUT WE’RE WORKING ON IT. IF IT RUNS OUT, WE CAN JUST SNAG ANOTHER ONE, AND SOMEONE WILL DRAG THE CURRENT UNIT TO A DOCKING STATION.

“Whoa, sick. This totally rules.”

I KNOW. WE’RE WORKING ON THIS CONDUCTIVE RESIN FLOORING STUFF TOO, THAT’S LIKE ELECTRIFIED AND WHATNOT. SO IT WOULD CHARGE THE ROBOTS WHILE YOU’RE STANDING OR ROLLING. BUT LIKE IT’S NOT FULLY WORKED OUT YET.

Damn, I thought. These guys really thought of everything. So frickin’ cool.

TURN LEFT UP HERE, AND GO DOWN THAT ALLEY. I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING SPECIAL.

“What is it?”

A SCHOOL.

“You have schools? Whoa.”

HELL YEAH, WE DO. AND THEY’RE TOTALLY RAD. CHECK IT OUT.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 4

By Tim B.

On 11 August 2021

In Other

I frickin’ love freedom. That’s why I was so stoked to get the free VR goggles, plus the free pizza and Dew. The white rabbit mini-game was pretty fun for a few minutes, and I earned some points chasing that thing down some mega holes. I guess it was a tutorial to show you how to like move around with the headset and the controller and stuff. But I’m a pretty big gamer, so I figured it out right away no problem.

I caught up with the rabbit finally cause he stopped running. But when I got in close to try to pick him up, he like evaporated or something. Then the scene shifted, and I was like standing outside of this huge wall with a gigantic wooden gate that was closed. I tried going up to the gate and like pushing on it and stuff, but it wouldn’t move.

There was the voice again in my headset:

YOU WANT TO GO IN, BRO?

There was nothing to click on though, so I just said “Yeah,” out loud, even though I wasn’t sure this thing was voice activated.

YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH CREDITS YET, YO. BUT YOU CAN EARN MORE WITH SOME SURVEYS, IF YOU WANT. DEAL?

“Let’s goooo…” I said, and then it started for real.

The surveys came at me in 3D this time, and had full sound effects and stuff. I whipped through them like crazy with the controller, and it was a total piece of cake to use, compared to the rabbit mini-game. The questions in the first couple rounds of surveys were really general like I said. But these ones started to get more specific. It was like asking me questions about my childhood and stuff. And my parents. They were multiple choice though, so it was totally cool. I didn’t have to type out anything, which was nice. I got a lot of bonuses cause my speed was so good.

Then it started to get really interesting. It started to ask me all about conspiracy theories and stuff. A lot of them were ones I read about on Reddit and some other forums and stuff, so those were really easy. It asked me if I thought such and such conspiracy theory was like definitely true, probably true, probably not true, definitely not true, etc. There were hundreds of them. I went fast, and I think I got most of them right. Some of them were definitely not true, like that the moon is made of cheese and stuff. Like only a baby would believe that.

There started to be more and more ones I never heard of before in the survey questions, which was pretty weird cause I’m such a smart conspiracy guy. If I haven’t already heard of it, it probably doesn’t exist is what I thought at first. But like a lot of them sounded like they could be probably or definitely true, so I was pretty surprised. It was totally cool to learn about all these new conspiracy theories. I wanted to write some of them down so I could do my own research later, but there was no time if I wanted to keep my speed up and keep crushing extra points and bonuses and stuff.

I don’t know how long I went for. It seemed like a long ass time, but it was pretty hard to tell wearing the VR goggles. I was getting like super tired after a while, and started slowing down, and just picking random answers cause I was losing focus.

WHAT’S THE MATTER, DUDE? YOU DON’T WANT TO GO INSIDE THE SECRET CITY?

“Uh,” I said. “I totes do. I’m just like really tired and stuff.”

HEY, NO SWEAT, MY DUDE. WE WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE. WE THOUGHT YOU WERE“THE ONE” BUT IF YOU’RE NOT, IT’S TOTALLY COOL…

“Hey, now,” I replied. “I can like still be the One and be tired too, right?”

ACTUALLY, NO.

“Um…” I didn’t know what else to say. I must have passed 8 or 9 hours taking surveys and playing mini-games and puzzles and stuff already. I was totally beat. I thought about how I just wanted to smoke and frickin’ veg out on the couch.

Everything else went dark and a stopwatch appeared onscreen, with no numbers or anything. Just like a frowning face in the middle of it, and it was counting down hella fast.

I panicked. “Okay,” I said finally. “Can we just do like a 5 minute break?”

UNPAID.

“Yeah, fine, unpaid. I get it. Anyway, the One has gotta make a number 1.”

I whipped off the headset, stretched my arms, rubbed my eyes, and jogged over to the bathroom to do my thing. I was totally beat but decided I gotta see what was inside that city, man. It was eating me up inside. Or maybe it was the free pizza and Dew. I decided to cram another slice into my face and washed it down with some sweet, sweet Dew.

I put the headset on again. “Okay, I’m back.”

The timer ran down to zero, and the game booted back up again.

OKAY, COOL. JUST ONE MORE SURVEY QUESTION.

“Fire away, I’m ready,”

Suddenly onscreen there appeared a huge wall of text with the words NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT marked in bold across the top.

“Shit, I gotta read all this?”

NAH, JUST SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM, CLICK THE CHECKBOX THAT SAYS YOU READ IT AND HIT SUBMIT.

“Done,” I said. “What’s this all for anyway?”

PERFECT. IT’S SO YOU DON’T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE INSIDE THE GATES. IT’S LIKE ULTRA TOP SECRET AND STUFF.

“Oh, dope. Okay, no problem. I’m like really good at keeping secrets. So don’t worry.”

A thumbs up emoji appeared on screen. And then I was standing in front of the gate again. There was a really long progress bar while the next section loaded. It was super slow. I was wondering if it was frozen or something, and almost went to turn it off and turn it back on again. But just when I was about to, there was a grumbling sound and the headset vibrated, and the gate swung open. I went inside.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 3

By Tim B.

On 11 August 2021

In Other

Well, anyway, my mom came home before my 30 minute unpaid break was finished. I tried to tell her about how I might of found a job working online doing surveys and stuff. But she was in one of her moods and was like totally not remotely interested. So I just grabbed something out of the fridge and told her catch ya later, and went back downstairs.

Long story short, when the timer ran out, and the page refreshed, I got ready to go back to it.

And a message flashed onscreen:

WELCOME BACK, PARDNER. YOU READY TO CASH IN YOUR CHIPS LIKE A WIMP, OR KEEP ON RIDING LIKE A MAN?

I thought about it for a good minute, but in the end I clicked on the wimp option, cause man, it had been like 7 hours or something. I was worn tf out you know. Just give me my VR glasses please.

OK DUDE, HERE YA GO. YOU EARNED 157 CREDITS, 835 POINTS, 15 BONUSES, 35 HEARTS, 19 STARS, AND 1,374 CLAPS.

Wow, I thought. That seems like it must be worth a lot. I can’t wait until I can see what kind of VR glasses are available. Show me the glasses!

Then there was a loading screen that seemed to last like forever and stuff.

Finally there were three different glasses I could pick from. They were headsets really. It didn’t say if any of them worked with Xbox, and they all seemed really pretty similar. I don’t know. I picked the one in the middle. At first, it told me I didn’t have enough, but then I figured out I could convert some of my bonuses to points, and use those to buy a few TokenPlus credits, and sell most of my stars for gems, and… Well, anyway, let’s just say, I had just enough to afford that one anyway after all the like transaction fees and stuff. It wasn’t the most expensive one, but it wasn’t the crappiest one anyway.

YOU EARNED A FREE PIZZA, MY MAN. IT’S ON ITS WAY, ALONG WITH YOUR GLASSES. ENJOY! SEE YA BRIGHT & EARLY TOMORROW MORNING, NEO.

It called me Neo. So dope. I swear like less than five minutes later, there was a frickin’ pizza guy that showed up at my door. He handed me the pizza, a two liter of Dew, and my VR glasses.

“Holy hell,” I said to him. “You guys are fast!”

“Not as fast as you, Neo,” he said, pointing at me. Then he turned around and took off back to his car.

“You heard about that, huh?” I figured my skills with the surveys and stuff must of got people talking at the office, or whatever. If they had one. I didn’t know, and I didn’t care. I had my pizza. I had my Dew. And I had my freaking VR goggles. Goddamn. They looked pretty sweet inside the packaging.

I told myself I wouldn’t open them up til after the pizza though, so I didn’t get them all greasy. But as soon as I got downstairs, I couldn’t wait. I ripped open that package like nobody’s business. Damn, they looked really sweet. Pretty good quality, I was surprised. I put em on. Nice. They fit good. I grabbed a piece of pizza, and stuffed it in my frickin’ face. I was so starving. Mmm. As I chewed, all I could think was like, damn, this was a pretty frickin’ sweat deal.

I couldn’t wait any more; I plugged those suckers into the USB on my computer, and stuffed another slice in my face as the screen came on in front of my eyes. I only ever used VR goggles at my friend Anthony’s house once. So I wouldn’t say I was that much of an expert in them or anything, but I was impressed with the picture quality. It was like super crisp and stuff, but not like where it’s gonna give you a headache or something.

A message flashed in front of my eyes in the goggles:

BACK SO SOON? THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING THE NIGHT OFF, BRO… YOU READY OR YOU NEED MORE TIME STILL?

I wasn’t really ready, but I crammed another slice into my face, and clicked I’m ready.

YOU DON’T LOOK READY. PLEASE PAIR CONTROLLER AND TURN ON SYSTEM AUDIO.

The controller wasn’t anything special, just a stick you hold in your palm with a couple buttons. But it worked when I waved it around after pairing. I turned on the sound; the headphones built into the goggles beeped and I was good to go.

A voice spoke to me through the headset:

WELCOME, NEO. FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT.

A white rabbit appeared onscreen. It looked right at me and laughed, then ran the hell away. I tilted my controller forward, and took off after it.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 2

By Tim B.

On 10 August 2021

In Other

It had been like a week or so since I quit Walmart. When my mom would leave for work, I would always promise her I would look at job ads (which all sucked), but mostly I would watch conspiracy videos, or read threads on conspiracy forums. Like I said, that’s how I got so smart about all of this stuff.

One day, I was really surprised to find a job ad that sounded like totally super perfect for me. It wasn’t on the local job search site that I used to find things nearby. It was actually in an ad on a conspiracy forum, so you know it’s legit. It read:

MAKE MONEY ONLINE TAKING SURVEYS.“FREE” VR GLASSES INCLUDED.

I thought to myself like, damn, this could be frickin’ amazing. I love taking surveys online. Signing up for contests and crap. Plus like holy cow, free VR glasses? I am in. Maybe I can use them with my Xbox.

I clicked through to sign up, gave them my email, my password, my credit card, my pin number, my social security number, birth date, everything they asked for. Cause like I said, I love surveys. And who frickin’ cares. What the hell do I have to hide?

After about like thirty pages of questions about myself, the system said that I passed the initial screening, and I was welcome to complete the first hundred surveys in exchange for system credits, so that I could earn my free VR glasses, and then start getting paid for realz. Yessss, awesome. Done.

I clicked the sign up button, and waited for the page to load. I went to the mini-fridge to crack open a Diet Coke, and came back.

I spent about the next six or seven hours almost just frickin’ taking surveys and stuff. I went totally nuts on those surveys. I felt like I was just getting faster and faster on them. I was in the zone, you know what I mean.

Most of them were really easy questions about like products or games and movies and stuff. I liked those ones the best, cause I could just sail through them fast and earn extra points for finishing before the recommended time. Some of them were about politics and the news, or asking your opinion about a certain celebrity or politician or whatever. I didn’t know who a lot of those people are, but the instructions said it didn’t matter, and I should just go with my first reaction and not think about it too hard.

So that’s what I did. I went with my gut, and like I said got faster and faster, and was earning extra points like crazy. And like the system started sending me messages like:

YOU’RE ON FIRE! HERE’S 50 POINTS FOR BEING SO SUPER SMART AND STUFF.

I was all like, hells yeah. It was a little confusing though at first, because there were “credits” you earned for each survey. But then like you could also earn like “points” and “bonuses” for finishing things early, or doing mini-puzzles and stuff.

The mini-puzzles were actually really cool. I started getting more of those mixed in as I got faster doing the surveys. At first they were mostly like solving CAPTCHAS and stuff. Which I’m pretty good at anyway. I clicked on so many fire hydrants and crosswalks and stuff, omg you have no idea. Sometimes they would be more like short timed games where you moved around jewels or tokens or something. And then there were games that remembered where you left off after each round, like one with growing vegetables in a garden. That one was kinda boring I thought, but at least the vegetables would grow even when you weren’t playing, and could be exchanged later for points. There weren’t even any shooting games, though. But whatever, I was obviously earning bank. I could just play Call of Duty later. It was no big deal.

There were also some personality tests too that were like, what would you do in such and such a social situation, or like what if you saw your friend taking money from the cash register at work. Stuff like that. I didn’t always know what I thought for all of those, and was a lot of times just picking whatever the middle response was, so I didn’t look too weird or like a creep or something in the system, haha. I mean, I don’t know anyway what you’re supposed to answer with these. I tried to be honest, I guess. A lot of times the questions would repeat later in a different way.

After about 3.5 hours on the site, I got a system message that was like:

MANDATORY 15 MINUTE BREAK PERIOD (UNPAID)

And there was a timer.

I got up and stretched, took a leak, and cracked open another Diet Coke. I guess I should eat something, I thought. So I got some chips, and got ready to settle back in. I didn’t feel tired at all.

It said 9 more minutes, so I put on some tunes, checked my messages for a minute. Surfed a couple forums. There was nothing really interesting, plus I wanted to get back to work and stuff. I never had a job like this before, where I could just work at home. Totally cool. My mom was gonna be stoked too, I thought.

Before I knew it, the timer was almost up, and I closed out the other windows and stuff I was looking at. I ended up just like staring at the numbers as they went down from 1 minute 45 seconds, down to zero, and the page refreshed automatically, and we were back in business.

I kept the tunes on this time, even though there were some sound effects and music in some of the games and mini-puzzles and stuff. I put in another solid 2.5 hours no problem before I started to get a little tired.

I got a system message that said:

YOU’RE SLOWING DOWN, BRO. YOU WANNA TAKE AN UNPAID BREAK OR SOMETHING?

I thought for a minute about switching over to Xbox or even PlayStation, but instead clicked on the button marked Nah, I’m cool.

The system responded:

YOU RULE, DUDE. I KNEW YOU WERE DOWN. HERE’S 35 MORE POINTS TO UPGRADE YOUR“FREE” VR GLASSES. YOU’RE ALMOST READY TO LEVEL UP AND CASH IN.

Sweet, I thought. So I put on some new tunes, and blasted out another 1.5 hours, no sweat.

Surveys? What surveys! I was going so fast, I was like Neo in the Matrix, but filling out surveys instead of dodging bullets. I started to wonder if Agent Smith would show up, my skills were so good. It was frickin’ awesome. I didn’t even think about playing Xbox or checking my messages or going to the bathroom or anything else again that whole time. I was so totally in the zone and stuff.

Then I got a message:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU JUST LEVELED UP! PLUS YOU EARNED A MANDATORY 30 MINUTE BREAK (UNPAID). WHEN YOU COME BACK, YOU CAN PICK OUT YOUR “FREE” VR GLASSES, MY DUDE. W00T!

Damn, I thought, this rules. This is the best job ever. I can’t wait to tell my mom.

But things were about to get weird, and I didn’t even see it coming.