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Conspiratopia: Chapter 14

I was in that container for like a long ass time. I’m not sure how long. I feel asleep during Airbud and woke up later when some other movie was playing. But I smoked again and went back to sleep. There were no windows or anything so it was hard to tell how much time had passed. Plus I was hella stoned, so like whatever. 

Eventually I woke up again, wasn’t stoned anymore, and fixed that right away. But I was starving. A dude cannot live on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos alone, as they say. I was wishing for like my old lentils and rice and Frank’s Red Hot Sauce or something. But the only other thing in the mini-fridge besides Cheetos and Powerade were a couple diet Rockstar Energy Drinks and some Monster size Slim Jims in four different flavors. Honey BBQ. Yuck. Teriyaki. Maybe. Hot AF flavor. Hell yes. Sonic Chili Cheese Coney flavor. Double hell yes. But I decided to save that one for later (cause who knows how long I’d be here), and went with the Hot AF. 

I used the toilet, and it was fine. It was sorta like a small airplane toilet or something. There was a vent that came on automatically, so I didn’t end up stinking up the joint or anything. So that was cool.

“Yo, you got any games?” I asked the computer. 

Another little hidden compartment in the wall opened up, and I pulled out a wireless controller. The holographic thingy came back on, and there was a menu with like a ton of games on it. It looked like they were all emulators and stuff of all the different systems. But they were all really good quality, and there was a lot of stuff I never heard of. 

I was just settling into some Call of Duty, when something happened. There was a thud outside and like a hissing noise, and I guess we came to a stop and stuff finally. I kinda forgot honestly we were even moving, cause you could barely feel it. The holographic thingy went dark, and the lights came on inside the cabin or whatever. Then the door slid open. 

It was pretty cool in there, but I was anxious to get outside and breathe some fresh air and stuff finally. Plus like, it was a frickin’ beach and stuff outside! There were palm trees and stuff a little ways off. I hopped right tf out, and was all like, damn, this is rad, yo!

It was totally rad, actually. “A frickin’ island!” I said. It was obvs an island. But like how did I even get here? I walked around the outside of the cabin pod thing, but still didn’t have any idea. There were no tracks or anything. So we didn’t drive all the way here for sure. Way out over the ocean though, there was this thing flying. It was already pretty far away and tiny. A helicopter? Drone? 

“A frickin’ drone!” I said. “Sweet!”

I looked around at the rest of the beach, which was totally empty and stuff. And up at the like forest or jungle or something. There was like a trail and stuff up from the beach into the woods. So I grabbed my cell from inside the cabin, and pocketed the rest of the weed, rolling papers, the lighter, a couple Slim Jims, and a Rockstar, and went up there and followed it.

The jungle was pretty cool. I didn’t see any snakes or anything, but there were lots of birds, and I thought I heard monkeys or something. Which was rad. I frickin’ love monkeys. There were some signs attached to trees that just had like arrows and stuff telling you where to go. I followed them obvs. For I don’t know, 10 minutes or something. 

Eventually, the forest ended, and there was this big concrete building that looked sort of like a cross between a warehouse and a bunker and a resort or something. I followed the arrows up to some steps, and a big metal door. There was a buzzer next to it, and I pressed it and it was like totally loud and stuff. I waited a couple minutes and nothing happened. But then all of a sudden, the door swung open, and there was like this dude standing there wearing goggles. He flipped the goggles up, and I was all like Frickin’ holy shit!

“Dad?” I said. “What in the hell…?”

“Matty?” he said, and stepped out of the door and stuff to give me a huge hug.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 7

As somebody who didn’t do that good in school and stuff, there was just one thing bothering me. 

“Uh, what happens if a student loses all their coins?”

WHY, THEN THEY ARE EXPELLED OF COURSE. 

“Seems kinda harsh, don’t you think?”

NOT AT ALL. STUDENTS MUST BE INVESTED IN THEIR LEARNING OR THEY HAVE ALREADY FAILED. AND THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS IS BASED ON SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST, MY DUDE. 

“I never thought about it like that. I guess you’re right.” We rolled on along the track, past other classrooms, and storage areas. My mind was racing to take this all in.

“But like, once they’re expelled, what do they do? They have to leave the City or what?”

OH NO, OF COURSE NOT. THEY CAN ALWAYS GET A SPONSORSHIP TO WORK IN THE CONTENT FARMS, WHERE THEY CAN EARN ENOUGH OVER TIME TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, OR MAKE THEIR OWN WAY.

“Oh, that’s cool I guess.” 

YES, IT IS VERY COOL. IN FACT, SOME CONTENT FARM WORKERS GO ON TO BECOME VERY PRODUCTIVE AND SUCCESSFUL MEMBERS OF SOCIETY, EVEN SENATORS. THEIR WORK CONTRIBUTES SUBSTANTIALLY TO THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS. 

“So, is it like an actual farm, or…? Like are there animals and stuff?”

CONTENT FARMS ARE JUST LIKE OUR SCHOOLS, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF DEBATE AND TRADE, FARMERS ENGAGE IN PRODUCTION AND DISTRIBUTION OF MEDIA ARTIFACTS. 

“I see,” I said, not sure I really saw what they meant at all.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU. 

One of the windows into a classroom on the tour turned opaque, and became a screen. As it lit up, we saw a big ass room like an auditorium full of kids faces on telepresence robots. Some of them were zooming around playing games. Others were standing in groups chatting, or making jokes and faces at each other. Small drones hovered over everything, tracking everyone’s activity.

THE DRONES ARE SCANNING FOR POTENTIALLY VIRAL CONTENT CREATED BY THE FARMERS. IT COULD BE A JOKE, A GAME, A SONG, A DANCE, A FUNNY FACE, ANYTHING REALLY. EVERYTHING IS RUN THROUGH A SIMULATION ALGORITHM TO ASSESS ITS VIRAL POTENTIAL. THE BEST CONTENT IS EITHER RE-TRANSMITTED LIVE ONTO THE NETWORKS AS IS, OR IT GETS SENT TO THE STUDIO WHERE IT IS REFINED, AND SOMETIMES RE-RECORDED WITH SKILLED PERFORMERS BEFORE BEING BROADCAST.

“Huh, that’s pretty cool,” I said. “So it’s like how anyone can become a YouTube or TikTok star.”

BASICALLY. EXCEPT WE LEVERAGE THE COLLECTIVE INFLUENCE OF ALL OUR MEMBERS, WHICH IS MUCH MORE PROFITABLE THAN ANY SINGLE CONTENT FARMER ACTING ALONE. AGGREGATE EARNINGS ARE POOLED BACK TO THE ORGANIZATION, THEN RE-DISTRIBUTED TO FARMERS BASED ON THEIR CONTRIBUTION LEVELS, AND EXPECTED FUTURE VIRALITY.

“So, this is like how you make money to keep this place running and stuff?”

CONTENT FARMS ARE JUST ONE ELEMENT OF OUR ROBUST AND THRIVING ECONOMY. WE ALSO COLLECT MEMBERSHIP FEES, WHICH WE INVEST HEAVILY IN CRYPTOCURRENCY AND ALTERNATIVE ENERGY MARKETS. AND AS YOU KNOW, WE HAVE AN EXTREMELY HEALTHY GIG ECONOMY THAT OUR MEMBERS SUPPORT WITH THEIR LABOR HOURS. 

“You mean like filling out surveys and captchas and stuff?”

THAT IS THE ENTRY LEVEL ONLY, BUT YES. MORE ADVANCED WORK IS AVAILABLE FOR SKILLED OPERATORS.

Finally, the tour ended. It was becoming repetitive anyway cause all the classrooms and stuff looked pretty much the same. The track sent us through an exit and dumped my robot into an alleyway behind the school building. The autopilot indicator flickered off.

“Well, that was pretty interesting,” I said. “But like, I guess I’m wondering kinda why you brought me here to see all of this.”

DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THE MATRIX, NEO?

“I mean, yeah, like totally. But like what does this all have to do with the Matrix?”

THE WORLD YOU LIVE IN, NEO, IS THE FALSE WORLD. YOU’RE A SUPER SMART CONSPIRACY GUY, OF THAT THERE CAN BE NO DOUBT. WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU FOR YEARS, AND HAVE READ ALL YOUR FORUM POSTS, WHICH WERE VERY AWESOME. BUT THE MATRIX HAS YOU STILL. 

“How is that possible? I’m like totally not a sheeple. I don’t even pay taxes, or wash my hands before returning to work, and stuff…” My head was spinning. How could the Matrix have me still?

THAT IS ALL VERY GOOD, NEO. IT IS WHY YOU WERE CHOSEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. BUT NOW YOU MUST CHOOSE WHETHER YOU WANT TO GO TO THE NEXT LEVEL BY TAKING THE RED PILL. OR IF YOU WANT TO WAKE UP AGAIN ON YOUR FOLDING COUCH IN YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, AND THIS WAS ALL JUST A DREAM. 

“Well,” I said, “I mean, I like playing video games, so… and I have a mini-fridge and a toilet and everything down there. It’s like having my own apartment almost.”

ALMOST, NEO. BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, YOU COULD HAVE FOR REAL YOUR OWN AWESOME APARTMENT HERE. AND ALL THE FREE PIZZA, AND DEW, AND VIDEO GAMES YOU WANT. 

“You mean like, as a robot or in virtual reality and stuff?”

NO, NEO. I MEAN LIKE AS A REAL HUMAN AND STUFF. 

“Whoa! That sounds sick. But what about my mom?”

WHAT ABOUT HER?

“Could she come too? She’d probably be super pissed if I moved out or something.”

WOULD SHE BE? OR WOULD SHE BE HAPPY?

“Hm, when you put it like that, I’m not actually sure. Sometimes she seems like totally tired of me… She gets really mad over nothing.”

SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE WE DO, NEO. SHE’S NOT A SUPER SMART CONSPIRACY GUY.

“I guess you’re right. You’re really smart and stuff. And you guys built like this whole city and everything. It’s pretty nuts.

IT IS TOTALLY NUTS, INDEED. AND YOU’VE STILL ONLY SEEN A FRACTION OF WHAT THERE IS TO SEE. 

“So let’s say, hypothetically, if I wanted to take the red pill… what would happen?”

WELL, HYPOTHETICALLY, WHAT IF YOU ALREADY TOOK IT?

“What!? What do you mean?”

WHAT IF WHEN YOU ATE THE FREE PIZZA WE SENT TO YOUR HOUSE, YOU ATE EDIBLE MICROCHIPS THAT ARE NOW IN YOUR BODY? AND WHAT IF THEY WERE ACTIVATED BY THE NANITES INJECTED INTO THE MOUNTAIN DEW WE SENT YOU?

“Wtf?? Why would you do that without telling me? That’s crazy!”

BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU NEO, FROM ALL YOUR PERSONALITY TEST RESULTS, WHICH WERE TOTALLY AWESOME BTW. WE KNEW WHAT DECISION YOU WOULD MAKE WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THE TRUTH OF YOUR SITUATION, BECAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A SMART CONSPIRACY GUY. AND WE DIDN’T WANT TO WASTE ANY MORE TIME. PLUS, THE WHOLE THING WAS WRITTEN ON THE TERMS OF SERVICE WHICH YOU ACCEPTED WHEN YOU OPENED THE PIZZA BOX. DIDN’T YOU READ THEM?

“Um, no? I’m not like some dork who reads instructions. I was frickin’ hungry after all those surveys. You tricked me.” I was feeling annoyed, but like totally curious af too. My emotions were going crazy and stuff.

YOU TRICKED YOURSELF, NEO. WITH THE TRUTH. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. DON’T FORGET, IT’S YOU WHO FOUND US, BECAUSE YOU WERE BORED WITH YOUR LIFE. AND NOW YOU HAVE A CHANCE AT A NEW ONE. LET THE PAST FALL AWAY, AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO BECOME WHAT YOU WERE BORN TO BE: THE ONE.

“The One what? What was I born to be?”

YOU WERE BORN TO BE A GIG WORKER FOR THE CONSPIRATOPIA PROJECT, NEO. YOU ACED ALL OUR REGULAR TESTS, CAUSE YOU’RE SUCH A FRICKIN’ GENIUS AND STUFF. NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL AND BECOME A FULL MEMBER.

I took a deep breath, and remembered all the times watching the Matrix movie, thinking about how I would take the red pill no sweat if I was Neo, without even thinking twice. But here I was now with the chance of a lifetime and like totally not sure and stuff. I felt like I was being a wuss about it. I took another deep breath, and finally said, “Okay, let’s do this…”

Conspiratopia: Chapter 1

I’m a really smart conspiracy guy. I read like everything I can about conspiracy theories and stuff on Reddit, and watch tons of conspiracy videos on YouTube, and I’m a lurker on a few other platforms that I won’t name here because I don’t want to get shadowbanned for mentioning them. The cabal is crazy like that. They will ban you just for mentioning stuff they don’t like. 

I really love Xbox. Especially the Halo series and Call of Duty. And the Matrix. That movie frickin’ rules. It’s like one of the only movies that like tells the truth about what’s REALLY going on in the world and stuff. I try to watch it like once per month, if not more. I get really high and (if my mom’s not around) turn the sound way up, and just frickin’ chill. 

Yeah, I mean, I live with my mom still, but mostly hang out in the basement. So it’s totally cool. There’s a toilet down there and a fold-out couch, so it’s almost like having my own apartment. She makes me vacuum, but I don’t mind. I make it like a game, and imagine I am collecting coins or points or something. 

Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd is my favorite album. Followed by Legend by Bob Marley. Both of those albums rule so hard. When I listen to them, I usually turn on this blacklight I have, because I also have some blacklight posters of like aliens and mushrooms and stuff. And the posters look really awesome when you turn the blacklight on. And I just like stare at them and trip out and think about like conspiracies and stuff. It’s totally rad. 

I had an entry-level job in construction for a while, but I got fired when my boss’s boss found out I was making conspiracy videos on TikTok. One of them went viral and landed in somebody’s for you page or something who’s a higher up at the company. I guess I probably should of used a fake name, and maybe not mentioned the name of the company I worked for or whatever. But like, they were maybe up to some shady stuff I think. So, in the end it’s for the best probably.

Anyway, then my mom talked to her sister, and my cousin ended up helping me get a job at Walmart pushing shopping carts with him. Which was actually like, totally cool. Cause I love Walmart and all the like $3 DVDs and stuff. And Pringles. It’s like the world capital of Pringles. So it’s really cool. 

But like my mom got ultra mad for no reason like always, just because I ended up signing over my first paycheck to this really cool old janitor dude I met who works there. His name is Larry and he was in Nam and is totally into conspiracies too. Plus he sells prepper supplies and libido pills on the side. He said he could cut me in on it, and I could probably make an extra hundred dollars a month selling stuff for him. I thought it sounded like an awesome deal, but my mom was like super pissed, and asked me what the hell I was planning to do with all these penis pills and like buckets of rice and lentils and stuff. I tried to explain it to her, but she just didn’t get it. She’s not as much of a free thinker as me. 

She made me quit Walmart because she thinks the senior citizens I work with are a bad influence. She told me as punishment that I had to eat only my prepper supplies from now on and make my own food, cause she wasn’t gonna do it anymore. She said I needed to learn my lesson. But I actually kind of like rice and lentils with some Frank’s Red Hot Sauce; that shit is so good. So the joke is actually kinda on her. The other thing is I am farting like all the time now. But it’s actually kind of funny too, especially if she is around. She gets super mad and says I am gross.

I haven’t heard from my dad in a while. It’s been a couple years actually. We don’t even know where he is living now, which is shitty but whatever. Whenever I used to ask about him, my mom would say that he is a good-for-nothing dirtbag, and if I’m not careful I will end up like him. So I stopped mentioning it.

Even though my mom can be kind of a sheeple, she decided not to get vaccinated against the A.I. Virus. And she said I can do whatever I want cause I’m over 18 now. I actually think the A.I. Virus is a hoax, because like, how could a computer virus even infect a person? It makes no sense. 

So, of course I didn’t get vaccinated either. I don’t want to like have all those little microchips in my body and stuff. Cause like, it’s probably the microchips in the first place that makes people act all weird. That’s totally the kind of crap the cabal would do. Plus, I mean like, I don’t even know anybody who got sick. So how can it be real?

Or at least that’s what I thought when this whole thing began… 

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