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Conspiratopia: Chapter 14

I was in that container for like a long ass time. I’m not sure how long. I feel asleep during Airbud and woke up later when some other movie was playing. But I smoked again and went back to sleep. There were no windows or anything so it was hard to tell how much time had passed. Plus I was hella stoned, so like whatever. 

Eventually I woke up again, wasn’t stoned anymore, and fixed that right away. But I was starving. A dude cannot live on Flamin’ Hot Cheetos alone, as they say. I was wishing for like my old lentils and rice and Frank’s Red Hot Sauce or something. But the only other thing in the mini-fridge besides Cheetos and Powerade were a couple diet Rockstar Energy Drinks and some Monster size Slim Jims in four different flavors. Honey BBQ. Yuck. Teriyaki. Maybe. Hot AF flavor. Hell yes. Sonic Chili Cheese Coney flavor. Double hell yes. But I decided to save that one for later (cause who knows how long I’d be here), and went with the Hot AF. 

I used the toilet, and it was fine. It was sorta like a small airplane toilet or something. There was a vent that came on automatically, so I didn’t end up stinking up the joint or anything. So that was cool.

“Yo, you got any games?” I asked the computer. 

Another little hidden compartment in the wall opened up, and I pulled out a wireless controller. The holographic thingy came back on, and there was a menu with like a ton of games on it. It looked like they were all emulators and stuff of all the different systems. But they were all really good quality, and there was a lot of stuff I never heard of. 

I was just settling into some Call of Duty, when something happened. There was a thud outside and like a hissing noise, and I guess we came to a stop and stuff finally. I kinda forgot honestly we were even moving, cause you could barely feel it. The holographic thingy went dark, and the lights came on inside the cabin or whatever. Then the door slid open. 

It was pretty cool in there, but I was anxious to get outside and breathe some fresh air and stuff finally. Plus like, it was a frickin’ beach and stuff outside! There were palm trees and stuff a little ways off. I hopped right tf out, and was all like, damn, this is rad, yo!

It was totally rad, actually. “A frickin’ island!” I said. It was obvs an island. But like how did I even get here? I walked around the outside of the cabin pod thing, but still didn’t have any idea. There were no tracks or anything. So we didn’t drive all the way here for sure. Way out over the ocean though, there was this thing flying. It was already pretty far away and tiny. A helicopter? Drone? 

“A frickin’ drone!” I said. “Sweet!”

I looked around at the rest of the beach, which was totally empty and stuff. And up at the like forest or jungle or something. There was like a trail and stuff up from the beach into the woods. So I grabbed my cell from inside the cabin, and pocketed the rest of the weed, rolling papers, the lighter, a couple Slim Jims, and a Rockstar, and went up there and followed it.

The jungle was pretty cool. I didn’t see any snakes or anything, but there were lots of birds, and I thought I heard monkeys or something. Which was rad. I frickin’ love monkeys. There were some signs attached to trees that just had like arrows and stuff telling you where to go. I followed them obvs. For I don’t know, 10 minutes or something. 

Eventually, the forest ended, and there was this big concrete building that looked sort of like a cross between a warehouse and a bunker and a resort or something. I followed the arrows up to some steps, and a big metal door. There was a buzzer next to it, and I pressed it and it was like totally loud and stuff. I waited a couple minutes and nothing happened. But then all of a sudden, the door swung open, and there was like this dude standing there wearing goggles. He flipped the goggles up, and I was all like Frickin’ holy shit!

“Dad?” I said. “What in the hell…?”

“Matty?” he said, and stepped out of the door and stuff to give me a huge hug.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 13

The electric van showed up just like they said, and I got in and stuff. Cause why not? It was pretty cool inside. There was this like really super comfortable seat and stuff that folded down into a bed if you wanted it. And a table that folded out from the wall. Plus a mini-fridge and a toilet in the back and stuff. I was worried it would stink up the joint if I had to take a crap, but it looked pretty well-ventilated and stuff. So I wasn’t too worried. Plus chances were that I wouldn’t have to be there too long and stuff. 

After the door closed, and the van took off, the ride was super smooth too, just like they were saying at the trial. That frickin’ trial. Hfs. Still did not know what the deal with all of that was. Or with any of this either really. Where the hell was I even going?

I realized I had to call my mom, and come up with some excuses. I pulled my phone out, and tried to call her, but the reception was really bad and it kept cutting out. So I figured I would just send her a text message instead. 

“Hey ma,” I wrote. 

“Looks like I got the job! 

I start Monday, so thot I’d chill at Mikey’s a couple days before then. 

Hope that’s cool and stuff. 

I’ll text ya later.”

After it got sent, I texted Mikey to tell him the same story, in case she phoned or texted him or something while I was away. While I was away… How the hell long would I be away for anyway? I thought it could be cool to go check it out, but I wasn’t planning really anymore to like go live there and crap. Their shit was just too whack and stuff, based on what I’d seen so far. Hell, I didn’t even really know who “they” were…

“Yo, how do I play tunes in this thing?” I said out loud. I didn’t know if it was voice-activated or what. 

It was. 

Right on cue, Dark Side of the Moon, started playing. Hells yeah. 

“Yo, dim the lights and stuff.”

The lights dimmed. Frickin’ rad. 

“Where the smokes at?”

A little cabinet above the folding table lit up. I didn’t notice it before and stuff. There was no handle or anything, but I pushed on it, and it popped open. Inside was an eighth of what looked like very dank weed inside a brown medicine jar. 

Behind that was a handheld vaporizer, a glass bowl, and rolling papers, all attached to the cabinet so they didn’t roll or bounce or whatever if we hit a bump. 

“MF’ers thought of everything,” I said to myself, taking out the pipe. “Except a bong.” I looked around, in case there was a bong hiding somewhere, but I didn’t see one. Oh well. 

I lit up. 

Man, I was getting thirsty. I checked the mini-fridge which was built into the wall too. There was a bunch of Powerade in there. This time the red one. Hells yeah. I cracked one open. 

“Damn, I could get used to this,” I said, as the weed blew my mind up. 

I woke up like… later and stuff. I had no idea how much later it was. I checked my phone for the time, but was out of batteries and stuff. 

“Yo, I don’t suppose you got a charger?”

A light in the wall came on. I tapped on it, and a thing opened with a cord I could pull out one end of and stuff. I tried to plug it into my phone, but it didn’t fit. 

“Damn, well, whatever,” I said.

I was still hella stoned. 

I figured it musta been at least a couple hours later. Dark Side wasn’t playing any more, but there was some other mix of Floyd and stuff.

“Hey, what you got for movies?”

Then I was like, whoa, because there was like a hologram or something that showed up in the air in front of me. It was like projecting from these lights in the walls or something. Onto the frickin’ air! It looked like all 3D and stuff.

“Goddamn, never saw that crap before! Frickin’ sweet as hell,” it was frickin’ sweet as hell for realz. 

I tried to touch it, but like obvs you couldn’t touch it. Cause it was just lights or lasers or something. Still, frickin’ sweet. And you didn’t even need glasses to see the 3D.

There was no menu or anything though, and a movie just started playing automatically. But like, dude, it was frickin’ Air Bud. Amazing. That movie with the dog in it that plays basketball. I frickin’ love dog movies for some reason. They are so awesome idk. 

I leaned forward so I could open the mini-fridge, and the movie stopped playing automatically. 

I pulled out a nice size bag of Flamin’ Hot Crunchy Cheetos and went to town on on that shit. Holy crap, was I hungry. 

Fuck, I thought for a minute, chowing down while watching Airbud. I hope there are no like nanites and shit in this.

But then I was all like, whatever man. That’s just the weed talking. Eat those Cheetos, my dude. Airbud was winning so hard, I thought. Why aren’t all basketball teams made up of dogs? Or like some of dogs, and some of cats? Why isn’t there a basketball team of every kind of animal? Like mice, and shit, with tiny hoops. I was cracking myself up now really hard. God, this was good weed.

Conspiratopia: Chapter 11

PARK THE CAR AND THEN GO PUT ON THE VR GOGGLES ON THE FOLDING TABLE.

“Um, this is my mom’s car btw. Nothing will happen to it, right?” I didn’t want them to like send it to a chop shop or smash it into a cube in a junkyard or something. 

YEAH MAN, DON’T WORRY SO MUCH. IT’S JUST TIL THE HEAT DIES DOWN A LITTLE. NOW GO CONNECT TO THAT VR TERMINAL SO WE CAN TRY TO FIX OUR CONNECTION.

I parked the car, got out, and went over to the folding table. The VR goggles were a better model than the one I had at home, so that was pretty sweet. They seemed to be wireless, but I didn’t see any computer anywhere. I put them on anyway, and they came to life as soon as I did.

There was a flat blue background and then some text popped up:

DIAGNOSTIC MODE: PLEASE WAIT

Then a progress bar appeared, but it was like super duper slow and stuff. I started getting really impatient, but then the voice of the Guide came back in the headphones. 

SORRY FOR THE WAIT, MY DUDE. IT’S GONNA BE A FEW MINUTES, UNFORTUNATELY. THINGS GOT KINDA EFFED WHEN THAT DEVICE WAS ARMED.

“No worries,” I said. “Got any games on this thing, at least?”

ACTUALLY, WHILE WE’RE WAITING, WE THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A GOOD IDEA TO CONTINUE YOUR TOUR.

“My tour?”

OF THE CITY. THE CONSPIRATOPIA PROJECT. YOU UP FOR IT, OR DO YOU NEED TO LAY DOWN LIKE A WUSS OR SOMETHING AFTER ALL THIS EXCITEMENT?

“Haha. Nah, I’m cool, bro. You know me. But you got anything to drink here though? I’m actually thirsty as hell.”

YEAH, THERE’S SOME PURPLE POWERADE IN A MINI-FRIDGE. DON’T TAKE THE HEADSET OFF THOUGH. WE’LL SHOW YOU ON SCREEN HOW TO WALK THERE. 

Some arrows appeared on the floor in VR, and I followed them to a corner of the warehouse I hadn’t seen earlier behind a wall. It was like an office or storage room or something idk. But I saw the mini-fridge on VR, and opened up the fridge IRL, which was a little weird but totally cool. I took out the purple Powerade, opened it and slurped it down. 

“Wait, this doesn’t have like nanites and stuff does it?”

UH, YEAH, ACTUALLY. ELECTROLYTES AND NANITES.

“Dammit, I said no more tricks.” The Powerade was especially good though, but I didn’t let on.

IT’S NOT A TRICK, BRO. WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING ANYWAY? ALL OUR DRINKS HAVE NANITES. IT’S HOW WE ROLL. PLUS WE GOTTA LIKE REPAIR YOUR CONNECTION, SO IT CAN’T HURT ANYWAYS. 

“Fine, whatever.”

OKAY, LET’S GO THEN.

Just like that, we were back in the City. I was in the telepresence robot I used before or another one just like it. 

“Wait, I don’t have a controller.”

YOU DON’T NEED IT WITH THIS HEADSET. IT’S A MORE ADVANCED MODEL. JUST LEAN FORWARD A LITTLE TO ROLL, BACK TO STOP, OR TO THE SIDE TO TURN. 

I tried it out, and it was sweet as hell. “This is sweet as hell,” I said. It really was sweet as hell. 

IKR? OK SO WE THOUGH IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO SHOW YOU WHAT TRIALS ARE LIKE HERE, SINCE YOU’LL HAVE ONE YOURSELF LATER. THIS WAY YOU’RE NOT SURPRISED.

“What does that mean? Why would I be surprised?” 

Some arrows on the ground indicated where I should go, so I followed them while we talked. 

THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IN CONSPIRATOPIA IS NOT LIKE THAT IN YOUR WORLD, WHICH IS VERY CROOKED AND UNFAIR. 

“You’re telling me. I got this parking ticket last summer that was like $400. It was total bullshit! I didn’t even see the no parking sign, and how was I supposed to know you can’t park near a fire hydrant?”

RIGHT? TOTALLY UNFAIR AS HELL. OKAY, HERE WE ARE.

We rolled up to another totally ordinary looking office building. The place was filled with them and stuff. But inside this one was different. It was a big open area, with a bunch of levels arranged in a half circle on one side. We watched while a bunch of other telepresence robots rolled in from a corridor, and went up the ramp on the side that lead to the different levels. I guessed there was at least like a hundred of them and stuff. 

“What’s going on?”

THE JURY IS ASSEMBLING. THE TRIAL IS ABOUT TO BEGIN AND STUFF. 

“Oh, nice.”

Then there was a voice over a loudspeaker or something that said, “WILL THE ACCUSED PLEASE STEP FORWARD?”

Nobody moved. 

“I SAID, WILL THE ACCUSED PLEASE STEP FORWARD AND STUFF?”

Some arrows lit up on the ground in front of me. 

“Wait, what the hell? I thought you said my trial wasn’t til later.”

WE DECIDED TO MOVE THINGS UP A BIT, SINCE YOU’RE DOING SO AWESOME. HOPE YOU DON’T MIND!

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